Dear Mister Geiko Gecko,
I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your brother/sister/mother/father/spouse/child last night (your species should work on identifying genders/ages, for reals, it’s hard to us humans to tell). It started off as a series of unfortunate events that led to the above-stated demise.
Before continuing on, I must recommend to you that choosing a profession as a burglar was not the best option. Yes, you are a very accomplished individual, what with an international contract with a huge insurance company. Yes, your species has survived evolution, the ice age, the dinosaurs, and the Bush administration. And yes, you have somehow bridged the gap between lizard communication and English. I commend you on that. After all, it is the 21st century. We haven’t figured out teleporting yet (disappointing) but we have lizards that talk. Good.
Unfortunately, you cannot survive the sheer brute force of an old-lady-comfort shoe compounded against your body and a white wall committed by a young female with passive aggressive tendencies. No, your friend didn’t really see that coming, and yes, that’s not fair. But again, he/she made his/her decision when he/she entered the domicile. And, you know what else isn’t fair? Your accent. It’s fake. We all know you have an American accent and are posing as a Brit. Bam. EXPOSED!
Please be advised that any more breaking/entering (or even lack of breaking) will end up in the recurrence of the above event.